


but the whole sky fell

by beatperfume



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e10 By The Light Of Dawn, but it will all be okay, everything is hard and no one is getting enough sleep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 03:15:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11072910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beatperfume/pseuds/beatperfume
Summary: After the attack on the Institute, Alec and Magnus try to keep everything together, including each other.





	but the whole sky fell

**Author's Note:**

> Posting this just under the wire before 2B starts and everything in it is jossed to hell, but I had a lot of feelings after 2A ended, and here most of them are.
> 
> Much thanks as always to MissP who lets me ramble endlessly at her and to Angelsaves for the beta!
> 
> Title from [The Stable Song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RH6Ad8q-kas).

Alec comes awake fully and completely, his heart pounding in his chest and his hand reaching for a blade that's not there.

For a moment he's lost, unsure of where he is. Then he registers Magnus's soft breaths beside him, Magnus' soft sheets underneath him. _Magnus is fine_. He wants to sink back into sleep and Magnus' warmth, but his wrist is vibrating.

The alarm.

Alec slips out of bed as fast as he can without waking Magnus. He finds his sweatpants by feel and tugs them on. Only when he's closed the bedroom door behind him does he tap the enchanted bracelet to stop its vibrating.

Down the hall past the guest bathroom, there's a door that hadn't been there a week ago.

The wards part at Alec's touch and he enters into a small anteroom. He locks the door behind him.

He can hear her now, a high moaning sound that makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up. He quickly crosses to the next door and the inner room.

Magnus had conjured a soft mattress and equally soft sheets, but Izzy is curled up in a ball on in the corner on the floor. Her greasy hair hangs over her face, and she's rocking back and forth slightly, still moaning.

"Iz," he says, dropping to his knees beside her. She's shaking, even though the room is warm.

"Go away, Alec," Izzy moans, and reaches out as if to push him away. Alec catches her hand and pulls her to him, holding her firmly to his chest. She fights, but weakly, and finally settles with her head on his shoulder.

"What do you need?" he murmurs. "Water? You wanna try some soup?" Izzy shakes her head. She hasn't kept down solid food down in days, and Alec is worried, but Magnus and Catarina assure him that this phase of the withdrawal is almost over.

"Alec," she says, "I need yin fen."

"No, you don't," he says, tired. They've had this conversation before.

"You're in charge now, right? You'll be able to get it from Aldertree. Please, Alec."

"I can't."

"Raphael, then," she says. "I need him."

Alec shakes his head, even though she can't see it. "I can't. I'm sorry, Izzy."

Izzy starts crying softly, and Alec's heart breaks again, as it has at least once every day since Izzy passed out in the halls of the Institute and he brought her here.

He'd wanted a place for her to recover that was safe from Victor Aldertree.

Now he's grateful because if Magnus hadn't alarmed his loft to detect the presence of yin fen, Alec's not sure he wouldn't have tried to get some for her. He knows this is what's best, but Izzy's cheeks have grown hollow and her eyes are like bruises and he's heard her cry more in the last week than he has in the past decade.

And Angel, he's _tired._

"It's gonna be okay," Alec says into Izzy's hair. "You'll feel better soon." He keeps up a steady litany of nonsense phrases until she drops off into an exhausted sleep. Then he stands carefully and sets her on the mattress. He covers her with a blanket before he leaves and locks all the doors behind him.

* * *

Morning comes too soon. Alec's eyes feel gritty and his head pounds, but he forces himself out of bed and into the shower. Magnus is awake when he steps out of the bathroom, hollow-eyed and wan, his hair limp. Alec thinks he's beautiful.

Magnus smiles at him. "I promise to wake up early every day if this is my reward," he says. The words are flirty, but Magnus makes no move to snatch at Alec's towel, which if nothing else shows just how exhausted he is. Magnus is stretched just as thin as Alec, between Madzie's training, trying to keep the downworld from erupting into violence, answering the Institute's need for new wards and searching spells, not to mention making a safe place for Izzy's recovery.

 _When this is over, we need a vacation,_ Alec often finds himself thinking, and just as often realizes that he can't imagine it ever actually being over.

He walks over to Magnus and drops a kiss at his hairline, lets Magnus drop his head against his chest and trace his ribs with his fingers.

 _When this is over_ , he thinks, and doesn't even know how to finish the thought.

* * *

"I don't understand why we aren't doing anything about the reason this Institute is so depleted!"

Alec leans back in his seat and raises an eyebrow at the shadowhunter. He can't remember his name. He has trouble remember their names - these new ones from Idris all puffed up and shiny and righteous. He feels very old, even though he's younger than most of them. "Meaning?" he drawls.

"Why don't we have the warlock who killed your people in custody?"

"Because," Alec says very slowly, as if talking to someone who's stupid, which as far as he's concerned, he is. "That warlock is a 5-year-old girl. A five-year-old girl who Valentine kidnapped and manipulated. And she wouldn't have been able to get into the Institute if we had changed the wards when the high warlock's spell book was stolen, _as I recommended to the council before Valentine's attack_." 

He doesn't look at the representative from the Clave, but he can feel his eyes on him. Fuck him. This could have been prevented, and Alec won't let them forget it. He won't let them have Madzie and he won't let them leave his city and his people unprotected.

"The Warlocks are taking care of Madzie," Alec says. "We have to take care of the mundanes."

"I guess you'd know about the warlocks," the shadowhunter grumbles with bad grace.

"Yes," Alec says firmly. "I would."

No one brings up Madzie for the rest of the meeting.

* * *

Alec has hours of paperwork waiting for him in his office, but he finds himself drawn to the training room after the meeting.

He's not surprised to find Jace there, moving through blade forms faster than Alec's eye can see clearly without a rune. But he doesn't need to see him to know what's there. Jace isn't eating enough, isn't sleeping enough. He's turned in on himself and consumed with guilt. Alec doesn't need a parabatai bond to know the feeling.

He wonders again if he did the right thing in letting Jace move back into the Institute after his reinstatement. But it was Jace's choice, and Alec can't say he'd want to be living on the hospitality of a downworlder if he was Jace. Like with so many things these days, it seems like there are no good options, only options they can live with for now.

Alec waits until Jace has reached the end of a form before speaking. "Have you had breakfast yet?"

Jace looks over at him. His hair is stringy with sweat, his eyes dull. "I ... I'm not hungry," he says. His voice is rough, like he's been shouting. When Jace first came to live with them, his screaming nightmares woke Alec up 4 nights out of 5. Now Jace knows how to put silence runes on his door.

"Yes, you are," Alec says, "come on."

Maybe Alec should be worried that Jace follows him with no argument, but he chooses instead to just take it and be grateful.

In the kitchen, he cracks eggs and slices fruit and tries to draw Jace out by talking through the patrol schedule he's working on. It's comforting, in its own way. He used to do this for Izzy and Jace a lot. Maryse and Robert weren't really the making breakfast kind of parents.

He puts cheese in Jace's eggs without asking, and it draws a smile from Jace when Alec puts the plate in front of him. It's a small, twisted kind of smile, but Alec will take it and be grateful.

* * *

When the Clave forced Lydia out and put Aldertree in her place, Alec stopped helping with the Institute’s admin work. 

It had never been part of his official duties, but he’d been doing it since he was 15, and so when Aldertree turned on Jace, Alec decided that if Aldertree wanted to run the Institute, he could do it without Alec’s help.

Alec is kind of regretting that now.

It’s a mess: unpaid bills, misfiled reports, ignored personnel requests. Sometimes Alec wonders if this is some kind of deliberate sabotage, but he knows that’s not really it. Aldertree just didn’t care. To someone like Aldertree, the New York Institute is a backwater, a stepping stone to a better position in Idris or at a more prominent Institute. And you don’t get promotions from paying your contractors on time or ordering the right granola for the kitchen, you get them for catching traitors and killing downworlders.

But this Institute is the only home Alec’s ever known, and all he’s ever wanted is to run it well and keep its people safe.

He’s deep into writing a report for the Clave when a fire message drops onto his keyboard.

 _Time for a break?_ It says. _Madzie is asking for you, and Catarina is here. -M_

Magnus has taken to sending fire messages when Alec is at the Institute because Alec can ignore his phone, but not a burning parchment in the middle of his paperwork.

Alec looks at the clock. He has patrol later and there’s so much to do still.

There’s always so much to do.

Alec grabs his phone and texts Magnus for a portal.

* * *

Madzie still doesn’t talk much, and she keeps a careful distance between herself and other people, but she seems calmer for seeing Alec. Alec is calmer for seeing her too.

If he could stop the world for about a week, Alec would put everyone he loves in one room so he could make sure they’re safe. Since he can’t, it goes like this: The loft, the Institute, patrol. Check on Izzy, check on Jace, check on Madzie. Come home to Magnus and reassure himself that he’s real.

Catarina pulls him aside before she leaves to update him on Izzy’s progress.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it, but she’s doing well,” she says.

“She’s lost weight,” Alec says. “I don’t think she’s sleeping much.” Then again, who is, these days?

“This is the worst of it,” Catarina assures him. “In a couple days you’ll start to see some improvement. Isabelle is strong. She will get through this.”

Alec nods and lets her go because he has to believe her, if only for his own sanity.

The sun has set when he sees Catarina and Madzie out, and Magnus is out on the balcony, leaning against the railing. Alec presses himself against Magnus’ back, leans down and kisses his neck.

“Mmm,” Magnus says, and tilts his head to give Alec better access. Alec presses closer, as close as he possibly can. It isn’t close enough. If Alec could crawl inside Magnus’ skin and rest there for a while, he would do it. That’s probably weird, but he can’t bring himself to care.

“I love you,” he whispers into Magnus’ throat, and he knows Magnus hears it because he groans and reaches up to run his hands through Alec’s hair. 

_I love you I love you I love you_ he thinks when Magnus turns in his arms so they can kiss, a little too desperate to be sweet. The words aren’t enough for this feeling that overwhelms him when he thinks about Magnus, but they’re all he has.

He bites at Magnus’ bottom lip, a little too hard, but Magnus doesn’t stop kissing him. He pushes Alec back into the loft and they stumble onto the couch, a tangle of limbs and lips and teeth. Alec loves Magnus’ weight on top of him, Magnus’ teeth nipping at his jaw, Magnus’ hips hitching against his own.

He holds Magnus around his lower back, pulling him _closer, closer, closer_. Magnus pulls away after a minute to reach for the bottom on Alec’s t-shirt.

Alec’s phone alarm goes off.

Magnus’ hands still.

“I have a patrol,” Alec says, closing his eyes and trying to get his body under control. Mangus’ fingers tighten around his waist for a second before he lets go completely. Alec wants them back, wants to stay here and lose himself with Magnus. But they don’t have enough Shadowhunters and the Circle is still causing problems. Lives are on the line.

“Come back after?” Magnus asks when he stands, just like he does every night that Alec goes out.

“It’ll be late,” Alec says, just like he does every time.

“I know,” Magnus says.

Alec reaches for his jacket before he can change his mind.

* * *

Alec is wrestling with weapons supply issues when his mother walks into his office.

For a second he’s filled with dread and all he can think is, _I can’t handle this right now_. Then he immediately feels guilty. His mother is going through a lot and she’s trying, she really is. It’s just that sometimes trying isn’t enough.

“Mother,” he says and puts down his pen. He resists the urge to rub his eyes. An hour ago he gave up and drew a stamina rune. Between patrolling and Izzy having a bad night, coffee just isn’t cutting it today.

“Alec,” Maryse say as she sits down and looks him over. He braces himself for whatever she’s about to say, but all she says is, “You can delegate some of this, you know. Overworking yourself won’t solve anything.”

“Everyone’s overworked,” he says.

She frowns, but the frown isn’t for him and he relaxes, just a little bit.

“How’s Isabelle?”

Alec hadn’t given his mother much of a choice when he decided to move Izzy to Magnus’ place. But she hadn’t argued, only asked him to keep her updated. He has, so there’s no reason for her to come and ask him in person. _Izzy is her daughter_ , he reminds himself. _She’s trying._

“Catarina Loss says we should begin to see improvement tomorrow or the next day.”

“I -” Maryse says, then stops and looks down at her lap. Seeing his mother so unsure is still such a new and uncomfortable experience that he almost wishes she would reprimand him and call him a disappointment again. She looks back up at Alec. “I’d like to see her.”

Alec bites back the instinctive _no_ that wants to come out. “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he says instead.

“Alec, you can’t keep her from me, she is my child,” Maryse snaps.

“And if you hadn’t been so eager to get rid of Lydia, Izzy wouldn’t be in this situation,” Alec snaps back.

Maryse reels as if slapped and her eyes fills with tears. Alec feel guilty all over again, but he won’t take it back. Trying only gets you so far.

“Look,” Alec says and rubs at his temples. “Just … give it a few days, okay?”

“Of course,” Maryse says softly. She takes a deep breath and straightens her spine, blinks away her tears, visibly putting herself back together. “Give me that,” she says, holding out her hand.

“I can do -”

“I ran this institute for 20 years. I’m perfectly capable of helping you with the paperwork.” When Alec still hesitates, she sighs. “Alec, let me help you.”

“Okay,” Alec says.

* * *

“You should let me wear that for tonight,” Magnus says.

Alec realizes he was fidgeting with Izzy’s alarm bracelet, turning it around and around on his wrist. He pulls his hand away.

“You wear it all day,” Alec says. He leans back against the pillows. His stamina rune wore off hours ago and he’s exhausted, but his mind won’t let him sleep.

“And I can wear it tonight too. You need some sleep.”

“I got it, it’s fine.”

Magnus is expending magic every day, more than he should, although he won’t tell Alec that. But Alec can tell because he’s pale and his hair has gotten floppy. He needs the sleep more than Alec.

“Alec -”

“My mother came to see me today. She wants to see Izzy.”

Magnus raises his eyebrows and props his head up on his hand. “What did you tell her?”

“You mean after I told her Izzy’s addiction was her fault?”

“You said that?”

“Basically. I shouldn’t have. She’s -”

“Trying,” Magnus says. “I know. Maybe it wasn’t the most … helpful way to put it, but maybe she needs to hear it. She needs to know that her actions have consequences for her children.”

Alec sighs and pulls his knees up to his chest. “At least she wants to see Izzy.”

“You still haven’t heard from your father?”

Alec shakes his head. “I know Mom is keeping him updated, and I know she might have told him to stay away from us, but …”

“But?”

“If it was my kid? And I knew they were in trouble? There wouldn’t be anything that could stop me from going to them. And he didn’t even come to Max’s rune ceremony, and that’s … Max and Izzy are always going to remember that when they needed him, he wasn’t there. And it makes me wonder…”

Magnus sits up and scoots closer to Alec. “Makes you wonder what?”

“If he ever really cared about any of us? Or if everything was just one big manipulation. Like, Mom used to say that he was trying to undermine her and it always sounded so paranoid. But what if she was right? If every kind word or every nice thing he ever did for us was just to make our mother look like the bad guy?”

“Alec, I’m sure -”

“Like after my wedding, you know, I thought my dad was the understanding one. But later when I thought about what he really said, it didn’t amount to much. He didn’t say he accepted me. He didn’t say he’d support me. And then he told me all these things about your reputation when you were gone. So it just … it feels like me and Izzy and Jace and Max are just these pawns he was using in a game against my mother, and now that the game is ending, he doesn’t need us anymore.”

“Alexander.” Magnus reaches out and brushes his thumb across Alec’s cheek. “I’m sure your father cares about you. All of you. But the truth is that he’s a selfish person and right now he’s only thinking about himself. One day he will regret not being there for Max and Izzy, and you’re right: he can never take it back. He’ll have to live with it.”

“I couldn’t,” Alec says. 

“I know.” Magnus smiles at him, a small rueful smile. “You’re a better person than your parents, Alec. That’s just a fact.”

“I’m not -”

“You are. I know you don’t think so because you think you have to fix everyone else’s mistakes, but -”

“Look who’s talking, Mr. High Warlock,” Alec objects.

Magnus laughs and leans into Alec’s side. “So maybe we’re two of a kind. We’re two of a kind who need some sleep.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. He shuffles down until he’s under the covers. Magnus turns off the lights with a snap of his fingers and Alec pulls him close, his chest against Magnus’ back.

“Hey, Magnus?” he whispers into Magnus’ hair.

“Hmm?”

“You’re a good person too.”

* * *

Alec runs through the halls of the Institute, shouting for Magnus. The windows shine with light and there are bodies everywhere. He runs faster and faster until he trips over something and falls onto his knees. He looks back and he’s staring into Izzy’s glazed over eyes. He opens his mouth to scream and - 

“-up. Alec!”

Alec jolts awake and nearly falls out of his chair. Jace catches his arm and keeps him from hitting the floor.

“Thanks,” Alec says. His office is dark now, the sun already set. He must have been asleep for at least an hour.

“Magnus called me because you weren’t answering your messages,” Jace says. He stands at the side of Alec’s desk and crosses his arms. “You fell asleep at your desk.”

“Yes, Jace, I realize that.” Alec’s trying not to snap at Jace. He’s just disorientated from sleeping when he didn’t mean to. He grabs his phone and sees 9 text messages and 2 missed calls. There are three fire messages in a pile next to his computer. It’s a little excessive maybe, but Alec and Magnus like to know where each other are these days.

 _Sorry. Fell asleep. On my way soon_ , he types, then scrubs his hands over his face and through his hair. He can’t seem to shake the cobwebs from his brain.

“Alec!” Jace says like it’s not the first time he’s tried to get Alec’s attention.

“What?”

“Are you okay, man?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Alec says. “Just a little tired. It’s been …” A hell of a week. A hell of a month. A hell of several months. “I’m gonna head over to Magnus.’” He looks Jace up and down. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Alec. I’m fine.”

Alec isn’t sure he believes that, but he nods. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He takes the subway because he can’t imagine running to Brooklyn, even with speed and stamina runes. When he walks into the loft it’s to the smell of Thai food and Magnus wrapping his arms around him.

“I was worried,” Magnus says into his shoulder.

“Sorry,” Alec says and buries his nose in Magnus’ hair. All he wants in the entire world is to curl up with Magnus and not leave for a week. “Sorry.”

Alec’s too tired to eat much, even though he knows he needs the fuel. The effort to bring the fork from the plate to his mouth just feels like too much to overcome. He’s just about to admit defeat when there’s a knock on the door. It’s too late to be anything but an emergency. Alec tries to kickstart his brain into emergency mode.

He opens the door to - of course - Jace, Clary, and Simon. It must be dire if it got the three of them together.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

Clary opens her mouth, but Jace cuts her off. “We’re here to relieve you.”

“What?”

Jace pushes past him into the loft and Clary and Simon follow. “Magnus and I talked earlier, and we decided you need a night off.”

“What?” _What?_

Jace rolls his eyes. “We’ll make sure Izzy is alright for the night, and you get to sleep. Also, Maryse is going to run the morning briefing, so you have tomorrow morning off too.”

“You don’t need to -” Alec says.

“Alec,” Clary interrupts him, “we want to. We care about Izzy too. She’s our friend. And so are you.”

Alec has nothing to say to that. He looks at Magnus, who’s just sitting on the couch looking pleased. “You planned this?”

Magnus shrugs. “It was Jace’s idea. I just enthusiastically agreed.”

Alec suddenly feels dizzy and overwhelmed, and a little like he might cry, which is probably just the exhaustion, but Angel, _a morning off_.

Jace claps his shoulder and leans in close. “You don’t have to do everything yourself, you know,” he whispers. Alec nods, not trusting himself to speak.

“Bed?” Magnus says and Alec nods again.

“Thank you,” he tells Jace, Clary, and Simon. Clary and Simon smile, and Jace just waves him toward the bedroom.

That night he falls asleep in Magnus’ arms, and he doesn’t dream.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at [beatperfume](http://beatperfume.tumblr.com)! Come say hi!


End file.
